Departing: The person I thought I was

Now Arriving... in the City by the Bay: The person I will become


"At the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are, and you know what you want." -Lao Tzu


It's been just over two weeks since my first blog, and in those two weeks, it feels like so much has happened.

During that time, I ended my run at a part-time job. Even though I did the work well, part of me feels guilty for not putting my heart and soul into it; however, that job symbolized everything I don't want my life to be... everything I know I'm not. The workplace was small, the employees were few, and I spent my days there longing for a way out.

I spent some great last nights with my friends in my college town of Norman, Okla., and my hometown of Tulsa. Each time I said goodbye to a different group of friends, it was bittersweet. I still have a year of college left, but I know things will never be the way they were. I am determined to come back from this trip changed, and even though I want my friendships to stay as strong as ever, many of my close friends will graduate in December; I know it's only a matter of time before life takes us our separate ways.

I spent the last two weeks tying up loose ends... finding closure, in a sense, to a part of my life where I felt trapped. I have spent many years taking care of my friends, only to find out they didn't need me to. I finally realized I never spent time taking care of the one person who needed help the most... myself. I blocked off and masked my problems by focusing on everyone else's. My friends made me happy, but a lifetime of personal baggage was keeping me from being the person I know I am capable of being. I was suffocating. At 21 years old, I knew I would never survive if I didn't find a way out. I needed to stop breaking down; I needed to breakthrough. The only way I knew I could do that, was to spend the summer in San Francisco... The city of my dreams.

So, here I am, beginning my adventure; my search for clarity.

At first, I was wary of my parents flying out with me. I had this big vision of myself saying goodbye to them at the airport, as I embarked on this great journey ahead of me... A journey filled with opportunity and life lessons. The reality, though, was completely different. We spent the first few days together. I thought I wanted to just arrive here and figure it all out. The truth is, though, I needed my parents. Although I have studied abroad in the countries of Peru, Chile, and Puerto Rico, there was a loophole: I was never really alone. I took those trips with people from my university, so even though they were amazing experiences, I never really had to leave my comfort zone. It's my first day alone in this city, and for someone who has spent semi-substantial time in Spanish-speaking countries, I have never felt so far away from home.

As much as I'd like to think I am completely independent, the bottom line is, having my parents help while I got settled made a big difference. Instead of living on someone's couch via couch surfing or living in a hostel with multiple roommates and a communal shower, I am living in a private room with a private bath in one of a hotel's student residences. The room, in all honesty, is bigger than that of my college apartment, but it feels, in some ways, much smaller. For instance, I can barely get any clothes to fit in my closet, so I bought a clothes rack for $10, on which I can hang my dresses, belts, scarves, and purses- very Carrie Bradshaw-esque circa 1998. I also turned one of my suitcases into part of the room decor; my diverse magazines rest atop the sweaters that fill it. My jewelry (all costume pieces from places like Forever 21) is stored in kitchen containers and sewing boxes I found at The Container Store only a few blocks away.

Although it is not the studio apartment or penthouse I had always envisioned for myself (maybe one day), the residence is perfectly appropriate for a college student from Oklahoma. All the while, I have mixed emotions about my summer home; part of me thinks I have created a fashionable living space, while the other part of me knows that I will suffocate in this little room if I don't fulfill my potential and take advantage of everything this city has to offer. For this reason, I am determined to, for once and my life, really follow through with a set goal. I will explore. I will learn, about both the city and myself.

Right now, I am overwhelmed with emotions. It is the perfect catch-22. I wanted to be alone and now I am, but I still fear my friends will move on and have the summer of their dreams without me. I need this time for myself, and the truth is, my friends know I need it to. Any space they give me is because it's what I wanted... what I needed. So I hope I come back from this trip changed- with no more selfish thoughts of feeling left behind, because in all reality, I am the one who left them.

In any case, I hope they enjoy their time in Norman during their first, and what is likely to be their last, summer all together. In typical Kali fashion, I brought a memory box. A sparkly, sequined, silver, bejeweled box to hold my most precious memories of home- pictures of my friends and family, a red string from a silly game I made up on a recent camping trip, letters from friends, bar scribbles from my last nights out back home, and Sheepie- the precious stuffed sheep from a very close friend. Although my friends laughed at the idea of my box and told me the box should be for my "new" memories, we all know I have to do this my way. I need those memories to survive. Because even though I am running toward the unknown, I have to remind myself I am not running away from that life; I am just searching for something better for myself.
Ultimately, I am grateful for this opportunity my parents have given me. I have to admit outloud (or in this case, via the internet), that this opportunity was handed to me, so that I do not selfishly waste this experience. I often have a tendancy to stop short of ordinary, so I truly hope to find whatever it is I'm looking for. I want the best things for my friends and my family, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to push myself. Deep down, I know I am worthy. Deep down, I know I can do great things.

This blog makes me accountable. I am putting myself out there. I refuse to let this blog be anything less than ordinary. Thus, my summer vow: I will write, photograph, wake up on a Sunday for Latin mass, go to lectures, pay $5.00 to hear bad comedians, see broadway shows, shop thrifty at flea markets and vintage stores, read books, meet new people, walk the Golden Gate, climb Twin Peaks and watch the sun rise, celebrate the city's diversity at Pride, take part in the Aids Walk, and volunteer. I will maximize my time. I will try new things. I will laugh. I will cry. Most importantly, for the first time in my life, I will live... without a plan and with only a dream. For eight more weeks, day after day, I will leave this room and its poolside view, and head out to the streets to get lost; in an effort to find myself.